November 2, 2015

Why I Took a Break from Twitter



"Where have you been?!" The question I've received ever since I came back on Twitter today. It's a similar question I've been asking myself for quite a while. 

However before I continue, let me deviate for a second.

Can you sum up in one sentence what Twitter is? The operative meaning would mention it's a social media application. What is Twitter though? It doesn't seem we can capture it's essence in words. 

I felt similarly when there was an urge inside me saying "maybe I need to step away from Twitter". I didn't feel exhausted. I wasn't being abused. In fact, I was having a good amount of fun. Engaging in banter, reading funny tweets and memes, watching hilarious videos and GIFs.  Twitter is definitely a fun place to be.  However something was missing and it became ever more difficult to disregard the urge.

While I was having fun on social media, I didn't feel I was being productive. Having fun but more akin to aimless fun, such that when it's all said done, you ask yourself, "Where the hell am I? What am I doing with my time?". Pondering thoughts which brought me to a pause. Pondering thoughts which caused me to question yourself. Pondering thoughts which suggested maybe it's time for a change.

There were some negative aspects such as the injustices happening around the world and seeing the perpetual Twitter clashes.  There were times where I myself would get caught up in debates with people. You get all charged up and into the moment you forget on some level, it's not that serious.

There were also exorbitant amounts of negativity being spouted from football fans and Manchester United fans especially.  Within my later reflections I realized since I'm such a sensitive person, reading such negative reactions continuously became exhausting.  It's not to say these negative reactions were wrong, but they were certainly affecting my psyche.

In life, you reach tipping points where a decision needs to be made. Either you go one way or the other or stay where you are. I chose to take a Twitter break. I knew I would come back because of what being on Twitter means to me. I also realized I was going way too hard and needed to take a step back.

In my time away from Twitter, I was able to invest more into myself. I could watch games without having to check my phone or laptop constantly to see what others were saying. I could just enjoy the game for the game.  It was quite refreshing and something I will look to continue for my own sense of self-efficacy.

What's intriguing about my Twitter break is there was also a period of time where I could feel myself getting depressed again. Depression has affected my life quite severely over the past year or so and it's not easy to open up. However, I thought I would tell a bit of my story so others wouldn't have to feel trapped. 

As I started getting depressed, I wondered to myself if taking a Twitter break was the right decision. Whether I had stayed away for too long. Whether I was missing out on so much I wouldn't be able to catch up when I returned. That's how you know depression is a sick monster. It pits you against yourself and cripples you from action or believing in yourself.

I lost my confidence. I lost desire to do things I thought I enjoyed. I wasn't even sure what I enjoyed. Listening to music felt dry. Watching football wasn't as enjoyable as before. So much so, I questioned if I really loved the game at all. Worse of all for me, I got stuck in the circle of unfavorable comparisons.

Unfavorable comparisons are a beast of their own because they combine negative self-talk with self-degradation.  A degradation which makes you feel weak, shameful, afraid, unwilling to take initiative and isolated.  While I had cognitive behavioral techniques to help me push back on those negative thoughts, I still felt so small and insignificant. It didn't make sense to me. My Twitter break had started out so well. 

Then I fell into a more depressive state and I couldn't comprehend how I got there or how to get out. I started to pull away from everything and everyone and would spend a good portion of my days in bed. It didn't help my health hadn't been great due to medical reasons, meaning I had to be away from my normal environment for at least 2 months.

The love and support of family, friends, careful guidance of mentors and my faith in God has been more than invaluable for me. The people who are there for you when you don't believe in yourself. The people who remind you of the good you've done and the positive aspects they see in you.  While it won't seem like it's helping right away, gradually through the support of your community, you pull through.

When you pull through, you come out of the depressive state with new realizations, a refreshed outlook on life and ready to have a good time. One of the biggest lessons I learned through my time away from Twitter was cherishing being in the now.  I'm the sort of person who gets caught up in the future such that as Alan Watts said "you forget to sing and dance along the way". It took me quite some to realize it, but once it registered within me I knew what I needed to change.

Slowly I've developed new positive habits which not only feed into me but also other people creating a positive feedback loop.  I know there will be more ups and downs ahead but I feel increasingly more confident on handling my downs in the future.  

Depression makes you feel like you can't be vulnerable with other people because they'll see the real you and not want to be around you anymore.  By doing so, you isolate yourself or even push away the ones you love.  Depression makes you feel like you have to be ashamed of and reject the more negative aspects of yourself instead of accepting them for what they are and moving forward. Depression also makes you feel life is just a blur and there's no real point in you being alive. These are all feelings I've had throughout part of my Twitter break and even before I took a Twitter break.

However I thought I would share a little bit about where I've been, what I've gone through and where I'm headed. It's because of these perspectives I take sport and other aspects of life a lot less seriously. I'd rather sing and dance along the way then see what happens next.  Thanks for reading and I hope you have a blessed day!

My girlfriend shared a wonderful video with me this weekend I'd love to share with you. It's about vulnerability if you're familiar with Ted Talks. I found the timing convenient now I've returned to Twitter and am responding to the question, "Where have you been?"  Enjoy!

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en#t-685805

Au Revoir!

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